Dear Potential Graduate Students,
As part of one of my undergraduate courses, we were assigned to reflect on imposter syndrome, how it affected us, and how we managed it. At the time, I had arrogantly responded that it was a non-issue for me and that through sheer self-honesty I never could and never would experience it. Fast forward several years and here I am, writing yet another reflection on imposter syndrome.
Before, during, and following my first year of grad school, imposter syndrome may easily have been (and continues to be) one of the greatest difficulties I faced in my program. That isn’t a slight against the program in any way, I must clarify. I have had many very encouraging and compassionate professors. No, my imposter syndrome is more related to an internal insecurity I’ve faced studying philosophy in a graduate setting. It’s simultaneously the question of “Do I really belong here?” and “Do other people think I belong here?”
My path to studying philosophy at the graduate level was neither short nor straightforward. I started my undergrad in the engineering school and finished in the business school, taking my required Intro to Philosophy course in the second semester of my junior year. Coming into a master’s program, I did not have the philosophical training of a student who got a bachelor’s degree in philosophy. My first few months it felt like I was out of my depth, downplaying any knowledge I had as minuscule in comparison to my peers. What I failed to consider, however, is that I may not be the only one in my proverbial boat.
Although it may seem that graduate school is full of smart, well-accomplished people of much higher merit and capability than yourself, it is important to remember that you are all in the same program. If you were accepted to a program then you are qualified for it, regardless of how you perceive your prior training. Even the folks with years of philosophy under their belts wonder if they’ll be discovered as the class dunce. To remember all of that, however, is easier said than done.
The funny thing about imposter syndrome is that it’s a vicious and perpetual cycle of anxiety and dread. Regardless of what people tell you, the mind has a way of remaining in a deep-rooted doubt about itself. In my first semester, I met with one of my professors and discussed experiencing imposter syndrome. He told me that I had nothing to worry about and that the last assignment I had submitted was the best in the class—high praise from a professor. His words were affirming, and caring, and brought me great joy—but did little to quash my growing anxiety. I went so far as to rationalize that he was only saying those things out of kindness and that they weren’t actually true. No matter what anyone said to me, it wouldn’t convince me that I belonged or that I was as capable as my peers.
It wasn’t until nearly a year into my program and several long conversations with members of my support system that I began to get a grasp on managing my imposter syndrome. Something I noticed upon reflection was that my worries over a lack of belonging often coincided with simple mistakes or instances of ignorance—a minor misinterpretation of a text, or just having never heard of a specific historical figure. What was pointed out to me, however, is that my anxiety was founded in arrogance. People make mistakes and it is impossible to know everything. I was holding myself to unrealistic standards.
I distinctly recall a conversation I had with my therapist in which he used the analogy of music to explain the trap I had found myself in. To paraphrase: if you walk past a room of practicing musicians and all the notes come out perfectly, they are playing for vanity. To improve our skills, we must challenge ourselves to expand past our comfort zones and into uncharted territory—that entails making mistakes. The function of graduate school is to learn (and grow). We enroll to fine-tune and pick up skills necessary for our later goals, whatever they may be. If we came into grad school knowing everything we already needed to know, we would either be deluding ourselves or enrolling for vanity.
As I sit here writing to you, my worries have subsided for the most part, but not completely. Although I have discussed some of what’s helped me in my journey, I do not offer a solution to imposter syndrome, for to do so would be to do so in arrogance. What has worked for me might not work for you. What I do offer, instead, is a warning. Imposter syndrome is something very commonly experienced in many areas of life. As you go into grad school, watch out for it. While you’re focused on research and writing it may just creep up on you without you realizing.
Best of luck and take care,
Aziz
Abdulaziz Alfailakawi
Abdulaziz “Aziz” Alfailakawi is currently pursuing an MA in Philosophy at Loyola University Chicago. His research focuses on the intersection of Eastern and Ancient philosophy in relation to human flourishing. He is also Treasurer of LUC’s Association of Graduate Students in Philosophy and runs an Eastern philosophy reading group through LUC’s MAP Chapter.
