How the COVID-19 Pandemic Nearly Capsized Me

This post is a part of The COVID-Chronicles series. This series is dedicated to giving voice to graduate student experiences and needs during the course of the pandemic. It is a space for graduate students to come together, to share, to listen, to reflect, to empathize, to lament, and to learn from one another. We hope that faculty and administrators will listen to and engage in dialogue with graduate students, and act in ways to help support the graduate student community.

“As I was driving home, I had a strong desire to drive into oncoming traffic. I feel like dying.” My wife, still sobbing and quivering, lets out a deep breath. These are words I never thought I would hear her say. My wife, who is 31 weeks pregnant as I write this, experienced a strong wave of prenatal depression, something neither of us had previously heard of. Quarantine only exacerbated it. And so did our new financial situation. Her depression would soon be joined by mine.

When the pandemic started ramping up in the United States, my wife and I immediately began social distancing and quarantining ourselves. She is pregnant and has asthma. If she were to contract the disease, it could very likely be fatal, not just for her but for our unborn daughter, Adeline.

As a clinical therapist in training, my wife’s job involves giving therapy to the elderly who have recently transitioned out of assisted living and are now trying to make it on their own. She works with them through that process by offering therapy and social services. Due to COVID-19, she lost about half of her clients since they were no longer taking in-person meetings (given the heightened vulnerability of elderly people to the virus). Our financial standing was jeopardized as a result.

With my graduate assistantship stipend only covering 9-months, it was slated to end at the end of May. I was planning on getting a job over the summer to recoup the income loss on my end, but with the virus outbreak and my wife’s underlying medical condition and pregnancy, that was, of course, a no-go. We were on the verge of not affording rent or paying our bills.

As for myself, I have two clinical disorders: Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Persistent Depressive Disorder (dysthymia). One of the ways my anxiety manifests itself is with relentless obsessive thoughts; thus, my anxiety has a flair of OCD. This pandemic created the perfect storm for some of the worst anxiety I have had in a while. My mind was plagued with fear and uncertainty. How will we navigate my daughter’s safety? How will I ensure that she doesn’t contract this virus? The information we have on newborns and pregnancy as it relates to COVID-19 is scant. On top of that, how do I prepare for fatherhood with all of this going on? How do I continue to be a supportive husband for my wife who needs me now more than ever? Oh, and how do I afford rent? How can I make money when businesses are closed? How will I pay the credit card bills and student loans? The thoughts were merciless.

I went two weeks straight playing video games for over eight hours a day. It was the only thing I had the willpower to do. My motivation to do any work had tanked. Oh, and did I mention I had a full course load of doctoral work? Yeah. That was happening. The work was piling up. I was granted extensions and, as a result, I still had midterm papers to complete, as well as upcoming final papers which on top of that.  I had to grade eighty student essays and I was commissioned for two book reviews. My university switched to online teaching, which was atrocious. And my main form of coping with stress and anxiety—practicing the martial art of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu—was taken away from me by the virus. My anxiety was unbridled. I had deadlines looming over me; meanwhile my finances, my mental health, and my wife’s mental health were all collapsing simultaneously.      

Thankfully, there’s been hope and grace. Although finances are tight, we have just about enough to scrape by over the summer, thanks to the stimulus package and a charitable donation we received from a non-profit when we had told them about our situation. My wife’s mental health has vastly improved thanks to her medication, although quarantine still brings her down from time to time. And me, well, I still miss Jiu-Jitsu, and my anxiety still attacks me, but I’ve managed to slowly crawl out of the deep pit of depression and anxiety I had been in. My wife and I were able to share this struggle, and grow stronger from it, together. And though we were both depressed during it, the burden felt lighter knowing she was right by my side walking with me. My department—particularly, Heather Battaly, Don Baxter, Keith Simmons, and Jessica Tizzard—were incredibly understanding, gracious, and flexible with my work. It meant a lot to have their support during this time.

David J. Rodriguez

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David Rodriguez is a PhD student in philosophy at the University of Connecticut where he spends his time thinking about issues in virtue epistemology and virtue theory. He doesn’t drink coffee, sometimes drinks tea, and instead obsesses about his coin collection, batman, drumming, and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.